


Don't wanna know

by moonlikeyou



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pining, References to Depression, Rejection, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-18 03:40:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13673502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlikeyou/pseuds/moonlikeyou
Summary: Jaebum doesn’t love him back.(but Jinyoung’s never wanted to know.)





	1. Chapter 1

9

Jinyoung likes knowing things. He gets his knowledge from books, the internet and television, and he particularly prides himself on being well-read -an intellectual, if you will. But sometimes, he really doesn’t want to know.

 

8

Jinyoung is 15 when he first meets Im Jaebum, a boy with handsome slanted eyes and a broad smile. He’s every bit as talented as Jinyoung is, and maybe even more, with his outstanding bboy skills that have all the trainees staring.

 

Jinyoung can’t help but feel a bit intimidated, but then said trainee number 25 walks up to him and introduces himself,”Hi, my name’s Im Jaebum, we’re paired up for the last round.”

 

Jinyoung accepts his warm handshake and introduces himself while they’re being ushered to the side by some dance instructors. Im Jaebum seems like a nice guy, even though he’s a bit aloof and distant, Jinyoung thinks they’ll get along just fine.

 

Jinyoung’s prediction is confirmed when they really start working together: Jaebum is a strict partner but also a kind hyung, who insists on absolute perfection when they practise but dotes on Jinyoung, always offering to buy him snacks after practise.

 

“Are you scared for tomorrow?” Jaebum asks him after their last practise. They’re both sweaty and exhausted, but they take a break at a nearby convenience store, with Jaebum treating as usual.

 

Jinyoung shakes his head, sipping on his slurpee. Jaebum laughs, shoulders shaking a little, and Jinyoung realises how nervous Jaebum is. It could be the end for Jaebum if things didn't work out.

 

It could be the end for _them_.

 

Jinyoung reaches out to place on hand on Jaebum’s tense shoulders, and his shaking pauses.

 

“I’m not scared because you’re here, hyung.”

 

Jaebum smiles at that, eyes crinkling, and Jinyoung feels his stomach flip oddly.

 

 _Must be the butterflies_ , he reassures himself.

 

The audition goes smoothly, and by some sort of miraculous occurrence, Jinyoung and Jaebum tie for first place. Jaebum vows on behalf of the two of them that Jaebum and Jinyoung will work hard to become good singers in the future, and Jinyoung bows along with him.

 

 _Jaebum and Jinyoung,_ he muses, _I kind of like the sound of that_.

 

Cameras flash and they bow some more. It’s a stifling and boring process, but Jinyoung enjoys it anyway because he’s with Jaebum.

 

 _Will they stay like this til the end?_  Jinyoung wonders.

 

If they don’t, then Jinyoung doesn’t want to know.

 

7

 

Jaebum and Jinyoung manage to stick together, from being trainees to acting in Dream High 2 to finally, finally debuting as JJ Project. Jaebum still hasn’t lost his habit of treating Jinyoung after practise, and Jinyoung tries to treat him back on multiple occasions, because he’s an _adult_ with _actual_ money now -not that Jaebum was one when they auditioned-, but Jaebum isn’t having any of it.

 

“I owe you too much already,” Jinyoung whines as he sips on his banana milk. Jaebum and Jinyoung are making their way back to the dorms after another tiring day of practise, it’s almost midnight when practise ends since they’re gearing up for their first studio release. Bounce is a fun song, but also very, very energetic and Jinyoung feels his bones crack everytime they finish.

 

But he wouldn’t trade this for anything, never.

 

“It’s fine,” Jaebum hums, sipping on his coffee, his footsteps next to Jinyoung’s, as steady as his heartbeat.

 

JJ Project’s debut is successful, but not so successful that they can continue promoting. They’re both devastated, of course, but soon they adjust to this cruel reality. Jaebum and Jinyoung go back to beng trainees, but nothing changes, really.

 

Jaebum still takes care of Jinyoung and buys him drinks after practise, even when Jinyoung insists he’s not thirsty. Jinyoung is always there for Jaebum to lean on, there to offer a shoulder massage or just a listening ear. Jinyoung thinks they could go on forever like this, just the two of them.

 

 _But, that is obviously too unrealistic_ , Jinyoung rationalises as more trainees join their selective little group. First is Mark, an American boy whose introverted personality draws Jinyoung’s maternal instinct, even though the boy is one year his senior. Then comes Jackson from Hong Kong, with a booming voice and the most excitable personality that warms Jaebum and Jinyoung up to him in no time. Bambam and Yugyeom, two younger boys, join them next, and Jinyoung grows fond of them easily, their childish shenanigans aside. At long last, Youngjae, a sweet boy with a loud voice, dripping with honey, joins their mismatched little group, and the company announces their debut as GOT7, a seven-piece boy group.

 

Their debut seems unreal to Jinyoung, and it doesn’t really occur to him that they’re going to _debut_ (again) until the night of their mv release. The seven of them crowd around one laptop, chanting almost religiously as they countdown to the last second.

 

**Jypentertainment uploaded: GOT7 Girls Girls Girls M/V**

 

They burst into cheers as they watch their music video together, and the whole progress of it feels so nostalgic to Jinyoung, who exchanges a watery smile with Jaebum in the midst of the youngers squealing. The seven of them stay hyper past dawn until they get so tired they just opt to crash in the living room- Jaebum, ever considerate, brings out some pillows and blankets so everyone stays warm and comfortable. The youngest three end up sprawled on the floor, Mark and Jackson squished together on the worn out armchair, and Jaebum and Jinyoung lounge on the couch in companionable silence.

 

Jaebum’s right next to Jinyoung, and Jinyoung can feel the body heat radiating from Jaebum as he slings a leg onto Jinyoung’s lap. Jinyoung’s heart starts racing against his will, even though he’s not nervous anymore, he’s just with his Jaebum-hyung who-

 

Jaebum looks ethereal just like this-  wearing a loose hoodie, a lazy smile hanging on his lips. The morning sun glows behind him, lighting up his gorgeous features, from his cat-like eyes to the two moles above his eye. He’s so perfect, and Jinyoung thinks _oh shit, I’m in love with him_.

 

“You okay?” Jaebum says softly, careful not to wake the sleeping members.

 

 _I think I’m in love with you_ , Jinyoung wants to say.

 

No, now is not the time, Jinyoung thinks.

 

“Let’s go to sleep.” Jinyoung says instead, and he sighs when Jaebum rolls away, leaving his side of the couch cold and unwelcoming.

 

Or maybe, Jinyoung just doesn’t want to know Jaebum’s answer.

 

6

 

Life goes on after Jinyoung realises he’s in love with Jaebum, of course. If he really thought about it, he’s loved Jaebum for years now, so why should things feel different now?

 

But they do.

 

Jinyoung feels his heart speed up when Jaebum comes close, when he smiles, when he wraps his arm around Jinyoung’s shoulders. Everything about Jaebum feels amplified, from his broad shoulders to his adorably mussed up hair to how his voice is raspy when he wakes up in the morning.

 

Jinyoung isn’t one to shy away from his feelings, but he’s far from confessing -wow, the word alone makes him cringe-  to Jaebum, so he pushes down his feelings and tries his best to ignore the butterflies fluttering in his stomach.

 

That doesn’t work out well.

 

Soon, they’re invited onto some variety show- it seems to be pretty new, since none of them have heard of it before, burt they’re still pretty pumped to be on a show. ( _Real_ GOT7 doesn’t count, not really.)

 

They arrive at the set and are swept into a flurry of activities: getting their hair and makeup done, too many toilet breaks courtesy of Yugyeom, and a last minute prep from their managers.

 

Manager-hyung says _don’t do anything stupid_ , and Jinyoung is certain that they won’t, not when they’ve just debuted, but he still worries.

 

They’re seated on set and waiting for the camera staff when Jinyoung shivers, partly from the cold that seeps into the studio through the half-closed door but mostly from the nerves.

 

Someone reaches for his hand, and when Jinyoung looks over, it’s Jaebum. Jaebum gives his hand a firm squeeze, not saying anything but Jinyoung already understands.

 

 _I believe in you_ , Jaebum says with his beautiful, beautiful eyes.

 

Jinyoung sits up a little straighter, feeling less nervous, and even manages to put on a bright smile when the director counts down,”Three, two, one… And we’re on!”

 

The show starts off well, with Jinyoung nailing his practised intro -Jr, mum of GOT7-, just stuttering a little at the end. The mc is kind as well, encouraging them to speak while being genuinely interested in their responses- that, or he’s just a really good actor.

 

He asks the members questions about their debut song, which Jaebum answers well. Questions then move on to their daily lives, and Jackson makes them all laugh with his witty responses. Jinyoung nods, and laughs, preferring to let the younger members speak more- it was their first debut, after all, and they deserved the whole experience- but then the mc speaks to Jinyoung directly, and he can’t deflect the question anymore.

 

“Jr, what’s your ideal type?” The mc asks, smiling good-naturedly, but Jinyoung feels his smile freeze.

 

 _It’s Jaebum, kind, handsome Jaebum. Jaebum, Jaebum, Jaebum, Jaebum._ Jinyoung’s brain seems to scream in a silent mantra.

 

“Jr?” The mc peers at Jinyoung, who shakes his head and tries to think of something, anything.

 

“Uh, someone with a kind heart?” Jinyoung says, and Jackson chimes in loudly,”That’s me!”

 

Jinyoung rolls his eyes,”And someone quiet.”, which earns quiet laughter from the staff.

 

Jackson pulls a face at him,”That sounds more like Jaebum-hyung anyway.”

 

It’s a harmless remark, just Jackson trying to show off his comedic nature, but it gets Jinyoung where it really hurts. Jinyoung doesn’t respond, smiling awkwardly, and the mc thankfully changes the topic to Bambam’s experience here in Korea.

 

It hurts, but maybe one day it will be alright. Maybe.

 

Jinyoung doesn’t want to know.

 

5

 

GOT7’s career kicks off successfully, with the boys gaining international fame with each comebacks. Jinyoung’s overwhelmed and thankful for all the support they’ve been getting, and he thinks he’ll never not be surprised when he spies someone holding a GOT7 sign or even merchandise of his _face_.

 

For GOT7’s first anniversary, they go to this barbecue place, just the seven of them. Jaebum, selfless caring Jaebum, offers to pay despite the ungodly amount of meat and beer they’ve consumed, gaining wild cheers from Bambam and Jackson. Jinyoung shushes them hurriedly, not wanting to see headlines like _Rookie Group GOT7 Members Are Loud Noisy Brats_ the next day.

 

Jackson whines,”You’re no fun, mum!”

 

“I’m a fed up single mother at the young age of 21 with no children,” Jinyoung retorts, used to Jackson’s theatrics.  

 

“What about Jaebum-hyung? He’s your husband and our dad, right?” Jackson laughs, and Jinyoung blushes a little, retaliating only when he sees the awkward expression on Jaebum’s face.

 

“Quit it, Jackson.”

 

Jackson boos noisily and the whole incident passes without any hussle, but Jinyoung suddenly feels dizzy.

 

 _Must be the alcohol_ , Jinyoung tells himself.

 

And it must be the effect of alcohol as well, when Jinyoung giggles and leans on Jaebum’s shoulder while the elder is paying for all of them like a good leader, only swaying slightly but fireworks going off in his head.

 

Either way, Jinyoung doesn’t want to know.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: major character death, depressive thoughts

4

 

They’re promoting Just Right when something finally happens. It goes like this- Jinyoung, Jaebum, alone in the dorm with a stray sock lying on the floor.

 

“Shit!” Jinyoung suddenly hears a crash in the living room, a pained hiss following right after.

 

“Hyung, are you okay?” Jinyoung sets down the book he’s been reading quickly and walks outside, only to find Jaebum kneeling on the floor, holding his ankle with both hands., 

 

“Oh, hyung.” Jaebum’s ankle is bright red and swollen. “I’ll get some ice for your ankle, you wait here and don’t move until-”

 

“Actually,” Jaebum says, and Jinyoung looks up from examining his swollen ankle. Jaebum looks awkward, and a little weirded out, even though it isn’t like they haven’t been in close proximity with each other before.

 

“You don’t need to, you know, coddle me. I can do this myself.” Jaebum says, and Jinyoung feels his heart drop to the floor with a dulling thud.

 

“Wh-what do you mean, hyung, just let me get the ice-” Jinyoung laughs nervously, but Jaebum’s face darkens.

 

_“Drop it.”_

 

Nothing’s breaking, not to Jinyoung’s knowledge at least, but Jinyoung hears something crack.

 

_Is it his heart?_

 

“Fine,” Jinyoung snaps, trying (and failing) to sound nonchalant and not at all hurt.

 

Jinyoung pretends he doesn’t hear Jaebum trip again while hobbling to get ice from the kitchen.  

 

 _I don’t wanna know_ , He tells himself firmly.

 

3

 

Jackson notices how Jinyoung’s sulking when he comes back from his day out with Mark, bless his soul, and he barges into Jinyoung’s room to ‘cheer him up’.

 

“What do you want?” Jinyoung asks, rubbing his eyes blearily.

 

“Let’s have some fun, Jinyoung!” Jackson squeals, squeezing himself next to Jinyoung on his bed, and Jinyoung has no choice but to let him share the comfort of his covers.

 

Jackson’s idea of fun turns out to be searching themselves on the internet.

 

Jackson types in Jinyoung’s full name in the naver search bar, and various search items pop up: Jinyoung’s Daily Outfits, Jinyoung’s Charming Selcas, Jinyoung and Jaebum Fanworks -wait, what?

 

Jinyoung blinks and tries to click the search result, but Jackson is already clicking on Jinyoung’s Daily Outfits and making charming comments about his fashion taste.

 

Jackson finally leaves after Jinyoung tells him once, twice, three times that _he’s fine_ and _there’s nothing to worry about_ , _isn’t it time for bed?_ and Jinyoung does feel better, apart from that bitter taste that still lingers in his mouth.

 

Jinyoung stares at his bare walls, unable to fall asleep. His mind drifts to the search he only got a glimpse of earlier.

 

He types in the keywords hesitantly, and thousands of search results pop out. Jinyoung’s mind-blown by the abundance of fanworks: Was his affection for Jaebum so obvious?

 

 _I probably shouldn’t read any of this_ , Jinyoung thinks.

 

But Jinyoung, being the masochist he is, reads most of them all in one sitting.

 

They’re always in some bizarre universe where everywhere is different -They could be students, martial art masters or even aliens- but something was always the same.

 

Jaebum loved Jinyoung, and Jinyoung loved Jaebum. Jaebum and Jinyoung, Jinyoung and Jaebum.

 

Ironically, that was the only impossible thing to happen in the universe they currently lived in, but again, Jinyoung had never wanted to know.

 

2

 

“I like girls.” Jaebum says.

 

“I don’t like men, not in that way.” Jaebum says, and Jinyoung’s heart breaks, even though Jaebum’s words aren’t directly aimed at him.

 

But Jinyoung is still hopelessly in love with him.

 

Mark finds out first, naturally. He approaches Jinyoung silently while Jinyoung's reading in his room. “You're in love with Jaebum.” He says it likes its a statement, but his eyes are wide and questioning as he searches Jinyoung’s face for an answer. “Yes.” Jinyoung answers honestly- was there really any point of lying, if Jaebum didn't love him back?

 

Mark pats Jinyoung on the back sympathetically, and Jinyoung notices how Mark starts sitting with Jinyoung when Jaebum abandons him to sit with the youngers, how Mark is there to accept Jinyoung’s high fives when Jaebum point-blank ignores him, when Mark gives him hugs during fansites so fans scream Markjin and not Beomnyoung.

 

How much easier would things be if Jinyoung was in love with Mark instead?

 

As much as Jinyoung wants it, he doesn’t want to know.

 

Youngjae is the next one to find out, he gives Jinyoung a tight hug in practise when Jaebum leaves the room, the broad expanse of his shoulders cold and unforgiving to Jinyoung.

 

“It’ll be okay, hyung.” Youngjae mumbles into his shoulder, and Jinyoung pets his hair gently,”Thank you, Youngjae-ah.”

 

 _But it won’t, it won’t be okay._  

 

The youngest two and Jackson don’t confront Jinyoung about it, not outrightly, but Jinyoung gets the feeling they know, when Bambam slings an arm around Jinyoung during the group vlive when Jaebum sits as far away as possible from him. Yugyeom acts surprisingly docile, and offers Jinyoung a sip of his choco shake.

 

_It’s sweet, but does nothing to dull the bitter taste._

 

Jackson helps, by diverting the attention when things get a little awkward, and crowing _Wang Gae Park Gae_ when a pout starts forming on Jinyoung’s lips  

 

Jinyoung is healing- he isn’t okay, but he will be, someday.

 

_Jinyoung just doesn’t want to know what will happen, if he doesn’t._

 

1

 

Jinyoung knows Jaebum knows, even though he doesn’t want to. He just doesn’t expect _it_ to happen so soon.

 

In retrospect, he should’ve suspected something was up when Mark came to his room and stuck to him like glue, not letting him leave.

 

“Hyung, I’m just going to the loo, I’ll be back in no time.” Jinyoung ignores Mark’s stammered protests and heads outside.

 

He hears Jaebum’s deep voice, scraping on the tender flesh of his heart. The other members are assembled as well, and Jinyoung _knows_ , that’s he’s being kept from something.

 

“I have a girlfriend, her name’s Haneul.”

 

Jinyoung drops the packet of tissue paper (he doesn’t trust the communal toilet paper) he’s holding, and his heart catches in his throat when Jaebum looks at him.

 

Jaebum looks terrified, like he’s been caught doing something illicit and Jinyoung’s going to throw a fit.

 

Jinyoung hates it. Hates Jaebum. Hates himself.

 

“Congratulations, hyung.” Jinyoung says, forcing a smile even though his feelings are rising up all at the same time, sadness, confusion, anger, hurt, hurt, _hurt_.

 

“Thanks.” Jaebum looks relieved, but it’s nothing compared to how he looks downright _glad_ when Jinyoung hides into the toilet.

 

( _I’m sorry, you weren’t supposed to hear tha_ t, Mark tells Jinyoung later.

 

Jinyoung knows Mark means well, even though he feels childish and patronized.

 

 _It’s okay_ , Jinyoung says, even though everything is not okay at all.)

 

Jaebum approaches him, one night. Silently, like his friendship Jinyoung is a dirty secret and not his best friend for 9 years ~~and counting~~. 

 

“Hey, I don’t know what’s-” Jaebum gestures between him and Jinyoung, like Jinyoung’s _slow_ , or being difficult. “-going on between us, but can we go back to normal?”

 

“We’re still friends, right, hyung?”

 

 _Not yet, please don’t leave me_ , Jinyoung thinks, blinking away hot tears threatening to spill.

 

“Sure.” Jaebum smiles at him, the corners of his lips tense, and leaves Jinyoung alone in the cold, cold room.

 

_Alone._

 

0

 

It’s their first day off after a long time, and the youngest duo had already made plans with each other to go shopping for the entire day. Youngjae was meeting his brother, Mark and Jackson go on one of their not-dates, one which they graciously invite Jinyoung to join. Jinyoung declines, not wanting to interrupt the two- avoiding Jaebum couldn’t be that hard, and he always liked staying at home anyway.

 

_But of course, something has to happen._

 

“Haneul’s coming over later, so could you…” Jaebum asks hesitantly.

 

“Sure.” Jinyoung nearly drops the book he’s been holding. His hands are shaking, so hard. “Fine.” The book drops, and Jinyoung scrambles to pick it up, nearly tripping over his own feet in the process. “I’ll go.”

 

“Be safe.” Jinyoung mutters as he grabs his car keys from the table.

 

Jinyoung doesn’t miss how Jaebum sighs in relief once he’s climbing over the pile of shoes and over the threshold, like he’s glad Jinyoung’s gone.

 

(He probably is.)

 

Jinyoung heads for one of his favourite driving routes, a long, steep slope overlooking the coast in one of the company’s cars parked outside. The keys are on the driver's seat, and there’s a note saying that the car needs to get fixed soon, but Jinyoung doesn’t care.

 

No one would notice if a malfunctioning car goes missing, right?

 

“You’re just like me, huh.” Jinyoung says to no one in particular, patting the armrest as a sign of comfort. The car hums in response, and Jinyoung soon drives to the top of the slope.

 

The sky is painted a light blue, with the sun shining brightly and no clouds in sight. A clear sky should make one feel carefree, but Jinyoung only feels more burdened by his sinking heart at he looks at the sky. _The sky is so bright but why is my heart so cold?_

 

“So bright.” Jinyoung murmurs to himself, as the car hikes up to the top of the slope and starts racing down the slope.

 

Jinyoung has always loved the adrenaline of gliding down the slope, to feel powerful and wild, but today, something felt different. The car seemed to be going a _little_ too fast.

 

Jinyoung steps on the brakes, hard, but nothing happens.

 

The car races down the slope, blurring trees on both sides of the road, and Jinyoung’s heart starts thumping madly.

 

 _Is this it?_ Jinyoung wonders.

 

All sort of thoughts whirl through Jinyoung’s mind. His family. The fans. The members.

 

Jaebum.

 

Maybe, in another world, they would’ve gotten together and lived happily ever after, would they?

 

 _But_ , Jinyoung thinks as the car veers off the road, _he’s never wanted to know_.

 

-1

 

Jaebum’s just escorted Haneul -Jaebum thinks he’s in love with her, the way her eyes crinkle at the edges when she smiles- outside their dorms, behind the gate and away from any prying eyes, when he gets the phone call from their manager.

 

_Jinyoung got in an accident. Come to the hospital._

 

Jaebum hops in a cab and the driver speeds them to the emergency room, Jaebum’s heart racing along with the car.

 

He tries to reassure himself: Calm down,  _people get in car accidents all the time, Jinyoung will be okay._

 

When he gets to the emergency room, Mark and Jackson are sitting outside one of the emergency operation rooms.

 

“Hey,” Jaebum greets when he sees Jackson, his face buried in his hands. The red light outside the room is off, so Jinyoung must’ve survived whatever surgery they did, right?

 

“Hey?” Jaebum sees Jackson’s eyes now he’s taken his hands off his face, they’re bloodshot and devoid of the usual mirth Jackson has in his eyes.

 

“Jinyoung’s dying, and all you can say is hey?” Jackson grabs his collar and slams Jaebum against the wall. Jaebum’s so frozen from shock he can’t even bring himself to react.

 

“Where are the others?” Jaebum croaks when Jackson’s hold on his collar lessens a little, but it hurts all the same. Little stinging voices ring in his head, repeating _Jinyoung’s dying Jinyoung’s dying Jinyoung’s dying_ over and over.   

 

Mark comes closer to Jaebum from where he’s been sitting, and for a second Jaebum actually thinks Mark’s going to save him from Jackson’s clutches, but instead he yells at Jaebum with such force Jaebum feels his spit on his face.

 

“Jinyoung’s dying, but all you do is acknowledge anyone but him.” Mark’s word bite at Jaebum- he had never seen Mark raise his voice like this in all the years he had known him.

 

“Where is he, then?” Jaebum asks, irritated.

 

Mark raises his hands in defeat, and Jackson lets go of Jaebum at long last, eyes accusing as he peers into the room. Mark looks drained, slumping on the chairs once again, and Jaebum would rather have Mark throw something at him instead of looking so helpless.

 

“I, I loved him, just not in the way he wanted-” Jaebum blurts, but his justification sounds weak even in his own ears.

 

“Maybe if he was a girl-”

 

“Quit it, Jaebum.” Jackson all but growls, turning his back on Jaebum and staring at the wall, shoulders trembling.

 

Mark glances at Jaebum, gaze accusatory, but there’s no bite anymore. It’s like Mark’s given up on reasoning with Jaebum, but somehow the lack of anger hurts more.

 

Finally, finally, a doctor comes out from the room, Yugyeom, Bambam and Youngjae trailing behind him. The nurses close the door to the room behind him, and Jaebum just _knows_.

 

“But why?” Bambam mumbles, his voice raspy and scratched. Yugyeom wraps an arm around him, but he looks like he’s on the verge of collapsing too, eyes brimming with fresh tears. Youngjae goes to Mark’s side, and Mark pulls him into a side hug, whispering comforting words into his hair as Youngjae rubs his blotchy eyes.

 

Jackson’s still facing the wall, but he’s squeezing Bambam’s hand, like it’s the last thing tethering him to this world.

 

The five of them look like family, and Jaebum an outsider.

 

They crowd around the doctor, Jaebum not included in the tight circle, and then Jaebum feels it too- the mind-numbing pain of it all.

 

Jinyoung, always smiling, so full of life- _gone_.

 

His Jinyoung, who loved him, although not in the way Jaebum wanted.  

 

His Jinyoung, Jaebum’s best friend for nine years.

 

His Jinyoung, who Jaebum hurt and discarded with no qualms.

 

_His Jinyoung, who deserved a better ending._

 

“He’s gone. I’m sorry, boys.” The doctor says, and someone lets out a strangled sob. Youngjae, maybe.

 

(Or maybe it’s Jaebum himself.)

 

“Earlier, the police investigator said it was a possible suicide, since he knowingly took a faulty car to the top of a slope, but I’m sure it was just an accident. Now, where’s your manager? The family needs to be contacted...”   The doctor’s voice drones, and Jaebum feels his heart twinge.

 

Is this how it feels to be heartbroken?

 

(Is this how Jinyoung felt?)

 

_Please don’t leave me._

 

Face buried in his hands, Jaebum finally lets tears stream freely down his face.

 

_And when you turned away, your back facing me, my whole world collapsed._

 

Jaebum doesn’t want to know.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i originally finished this in early december but never found a good chance to post it so here it is... angst on valentine's day lol  
> warnings will be added in the next part (which i'll post in late feb i guess??) and i'll put a note in the beginning so you'll know but i'm not adding them now so not much will be spoiled  
> i hope you enjoyed it and have a good day ♡♡  
> a big thank you to jane for being my (sort of) beta and find me on [twitter](https://www.twitter.com/moonlikeurs/)  
> and [cc](https://curiouscat.me/yuckgyeom/) pls i rly have no friends 
> 
> 20180214


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